I was reminded this morning of Adele’s song Hello, again, thanks Daily Mail… but thinking of the song reminds me of how adamantly I have avoided it and why. In thinking of the weeks leading up to my Grandmother’s death I remember not being able to get a hold of her on the phone, knowing something was going on, needing to speak to her before vacation in Ohio… I remember these things. I remember my mother, who passed on April 15th as well, only in 2012 and the vague dreams I would wake up from of her… It seems desperate to speak to my Nano and I finally get her on the phone the Monday after returning from vacation. Only to discover that I only had minimal time left with her as she spent her remaining days in a St. Augustine, Florida hospital. The whole time avoiding the song “Hello”… I wouldn’t listen to it at all.
It was when I finally did listen to it that it hit me… all the apologies, all the hurt and pain that past loved ones wish they could apologize for. That damn song had been haunting me, it would even be playing over the sound systems in the stores I went in. When I finally listened, I heard my mother… very clearly and that pain that came from the very clear knowledge that she was trying to reach me… knowing that she would definitely have used that song in the living to reach me… in that moment of teary clarity I knew she had been around me… I knew she had been there trying to let me know about Nano.
Then I think, does it matter if you know? What would you do different? Would you keep hedging your bets? “I’ll go see her this weekend”, “I’ll be out there next week”, or “I’ll call you later”… Even when you know, what can you do? What would you do? Thankfully I did know enough to keep on bugging until I found out what was going on… Thankfully I did get to spend time with my Grandmother that was worthy and good before she had the last big stroke. I don’t feel it was enough today, I still wish I had come that weekend before and taken her out to lunch, hung out with her not in the hospital like the old days… I remember when she went in for surgery on her throat years before and she was scared, thought she was going to die… We went out for the best BBQ in St. Augustine the day before, spent the whole day together, just in case… There was no time to do that this time and it hurts.
I wonder if the next time the spirits knock on my head if I will let them in? I wonder if I would do the same thing again. I wonder if it matters either way….