You know, it’s funny how things work out. Funny how Astrology works sometime. This week is maybe bumpier than last for some and after looking at some other things. Well, at any rate… I scoped around to see what other, better, astrologers had to say and found that Mercury was headed into retrograde on the 10th. Interesting. My apologies at my Astrologer faux pas, I don’t pay too much attention to retrogrades. Shit happens you know? And they affect different signs in different ways.
But I found it interesting that all these little (and maybe large) issues were popping up for so many signs and there you have it. Mercury. Quicksilver. A poisonous chemical element that can kill us all.
Hey… these are Horrible Horoscopes.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Happy Birthday Virgos!!! Look out for arguments and possible emotional disputes around the 5th and on through the 7th. The 7th looks more like a kiss and make-up kind of day, so please don’t pout too long. It’s your birthday isn’t it? Venus moves in on the fourth and it looks like your not so ready for company. The Part of Fortune is still there in the way, it ate up all the food. It has to go, and the Sun needs to move over a notch… There’s a meeting tomorrow, a party tonight. Are the kids coming too?? @#!*#@! … Goodness. Look out for the largest of the fiascos around the 9th. Hang in there guys and gals. You are loved.
Libra (September 23rd – October 23rd)
With Mercury in the 5th house Libra, even with nothing going on, there’s something going on. People talking is the name of the game and while last week a lot of good things were said, this week may prove different. Monday may bring some hint of this, not so savory, news but something should be out for sure by Tuesday. If this news makes you want run to the beauty parlor and spend a lot of money – try not to dearest.
Scorpio (October 24th – November 21st)
That on-going issue is still there Scorpio. See, people think you obsess. I know better. It’s not an obsession. It’s that pesky aspect hanging around way too long. No worries. Your a bright star. The only light, way out there in the dark and cold Universe. Might be strange… but it’s the only one. You’ll shine bright in that darkness. I know you will. The world needs you to sometimes you know? Look out on the 7th, Mars and his Male Influences may want to hit up your pocketbook again, and around the 9th you should get some happy news regarding that on-going emotional issue having to do with future-related situations.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
The Moon moves out of your sign on Sunday Sag and leaves you feeling cold and alone… Motivation you say? Of course. The best way to wash away any loneliness or an impending sense of doom is with a smile, a good hot shower, and a stiff drink. No. No stiff drinks. There may still be some lingering effects from that Moon last week. If your a good Sag, you’re probably still a little Sparkly. If your a bad Sag, we’ll just call it a hangover. Be good out there Sagittarius. You are loved!
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
It’s work, work, work out there this week Capricorn. Work for change. For those of you that may be thinking about moving, things may turn out a little harder than you may have imagined or expected. In fact, the whole process may be plagued with problems. For those not moving, you may wish you could. The Moon moves you either way, into a strange place on the 5th and your emotions may be up and down. That’s what’s wrong with you when you go to ask… Watch your money and things that may affect your future fortunes around the 6th when Pluto forms a negative aspect with the Part of Fortune. This could concern children, the arts or creative ventures in some way. Beginning the 7th and continuing on through the rest of the week, be on the lookout for accidents, fires, violent attacks, and things of that nature.
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)
Saturn has been sitting in your Mid-Heaven Aquarius and might have you feeling pretty old and tired by now. Maybe this is the month or time for all that dental work you’ve been putting off. Just remember, Saturn is a little like an old man spewing wisdom that you don’t want to listen to. He’s probably not real friendly, may smell like mothballs, and you don’t understand what he’s saying because his teeth keep falling out. But it is worth trying to hear what he says. At the moment, it concerns your destiny and whether it lives or dies. Big moments. The Moon is coming to visit you on the 6th for a few days, and she brings news so hang in there, and SAVE YOUR MONEY. Some lecherous lady or gentleman may try to get it around the 6th. If your emotional well-being is of value to you, it may be that it could be robbed from you. The 7th may give you a slight reprieve, coming from children, loved ones, or those things close to your heart. Then the Moon moves out on the 9th and Pluto is up to his crap again. Saturn’s clean up guy. Looks like some big decisions coming up this week. Slow down. Take your time. Choose wisely.
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
Looks like it should be quiet on the home fronts this week Pisces. At least until the 7th. That’s when a miscommunication, lie, painting, poem or some lost electric bill may cost you in the future, like around the 10th when Neptune squares against your Part of Fortune. The Moon enters your sign on the 10th as well Pisces and it may be better to try and let it calm you rather than energize you this week. Take it easy.
Aries (March 21st – April 19th)
You may feel like you’ve been chasing the Moon Aries because you have. It’s sidekicks the Nodes, have been very busy playing with your heart and future. It may feel like a broken heart until the 7th when you might get a kiss of moondust to help take the edge off. Then it’s back to the nit-picking, arguments and aggravations. Look out for what could be a big deal or argument around the 10th. Mind that temper.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
Sometimes Taurus, at the end of it all… All that’s left is Uranus. What looks like could be an argument or slight situation involving women, female forces, children or emotional issues around the 4th, could be quickly resolved if you set your mind to it by the 5th. Look for some happy news involving this same situation coming soon as well. Despite the aggravation they will continue to give you. Some unexpected or unexplainable great thing could be coming your way around the 10th. See, retrogrades do not affect all signs the same.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
Always a breath of fresh air Gemini… or a waft of stink… Depends you know. Thank you, either way promotes awareness of a situation. The merriment and solid actions involving your voice and communication skills on the 3rd should be bringing you some pretty good personal advancements around the 4th and 5th. Those days should be all about you. Just deal with it. There is a warning to watch that money though. A square with the Part of Fortune around the 6th signals some hard changes may be coming. Don’t spend the money, it may not be good at all in the end.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
Silence. Just the way you like it. Don’t let the waves of the Moon lull you to sleep for too long Crabs. It moves into Pisces on the 9th, and that should always shake things up a little for you water babies. Pay attention to your dreams this week.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
Venus has been in your house of Home lately Leos and that may be where some of you are as well. Home improvements, moving, working at home, and things of that nature are emphasized here. With Venus moving out and into Virgo on Sunday, it signals that these things shouldn’t be so much in “now” anymore. Things should hopefully settle down for a little while. Venus can be such a tacky bitch. It’s not funny, but she’s instantly bugging Virgo upon arrival…